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Rooney Tart Dad has Heart Attack


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Hachioji Park, Saturday 4th September
For the Unedited version of this story, click here

Sorry about the Sun headline but I have to take control of the match report title otherwise I’m stuck with ‘Vags grind out 4 goal thriller in Saitama’ (and that’s without any dubious puns….)

The Vags pitched up at the venerable Hachioji-koen riven with rumours of various infidelities amongst the ranks. A couple of heavy weight superstars were spotted down The Pong with fit women allegedly costing 250 sweet ones for an evening.

All played very well today.

Don’t want to sound sexist but there is something to be said and all that…

Lyndsey Hughes, (about whom you have all jumped to conclusions right? - I never said nuffink gov’)……….started at centre half, as various Vags tried to cycle, train, swim and jog to the ground on time. He was to gradually make his way forward during the game, as the stragglers arrived one by one and got on the field, and score what is known in the North East of England, I believe, as a bramer (spelling may be wrong).

But, to the early action……….Vags had 428 changes to the last league outing but had drafted in a couple of highly dangerous over 40’s to strike fear into the hearts of the opposition…

Newbies Chris and Will both had creditable performances whilst Bill Smith managed not to have severe cruciate ligament damage despite playing a full half, after swimming to the ground.

Stoneds love to pass it aimlessly around at the back…….as if stringing together 15 passes across the back four is an end in itself……….from a British team’s perspective this is very confusing. ‘What are they doing and why?’ Anyway it was to have little bearing on the game proper.

Tit for tat in the opening skirmishes but as the half wore on Vags were more and more in control – opening themselves up to a classic sucker punch when Stoneds broke quickly and efficiently down the left.

Things were relatively calm at half time apart from Ged, who went totally blue at one point, collapsed, and after a swift round of Paper / Scissors / Stones….Steve Glenn (always loses…..) had to pull the tongue back out the throat and resuscitate him. I did notice an awful lot of people going off for a waz when the P/S/S was announced.

A raft of changes at half time brought stability, at first, and then creativity as the half progressed…..Vags had the game by the scruff of the googlies (not sure exactly where the ‘scruff’ is in truth and feeling queasy now thinking about it) for most of the second half without ‘inevitable goal’ ever really being written on things – with around 20 to go though, Steve Glenn moved forward and, in the words of David Coleman, ‘opened his legs and showed his class’ reaching the 18 yard line before playing a ball through - a ‘strammash’ followed, and perfidious Dan Clark started on the long, long, long haul to redemption by sticking it home from 3 yards with Day and Sheard queuing anyway.

A mere minute or so later and Hughes, back on the park for a few eyeblinks, shrugged of his hamstring? and, having been put clean through hit the aforementioned ‘bramer’ over the keeper and just under the bar from 20 yards out.

‘Bet that doesn’t happen often Hughes’ was the familiar Quinn rejoinder from the sidelines. And he’s right. But we’ll take it when we can.

Vags did relatively well to shut down the rest of the game – allowing only 4 one on ones with the goalie, 18 corners and 3 shots off the woodwork (I jest, of course, there were only 14 corners) and the game seemed to be put to bed.

Ball into the box, head goes down to midriff……..foot up to midriff…..Stoneds player handles…and penalty to Stoneds….high feet. Excuse me? His head was down, and, and oh well never mind it’s only 2 points down the swanny.
Last games’ against us was described ‘soft’ (and that is 2 in 2 already).

Tom again put in a great shift, though sometimes the game more or less stops as he battles and wins it, pushes on and loses it, gets it back, is dispossessed, gets it back……..gives everybody a chance to check their smart phones though. Powerhouse stuff.

Jon and Dan were somewhat isolated, but always dangerous, and this was a reflection of the formation and squad. Ken was industriously outstanding whilst still managing his stupidly brilliant outside of the boot flick-over at least once……….can’t call it a nutmeg, but who would want to – it’s better.
Ged had a great game……..all (well a couple anyway) noticed his Beckenbauer moment…shrugging off and turning one defender, cutting inside another and sending a good ball up the wing…….but he was happy with a great header….that’s really what we like. The showboating can take care of itself.

Steve put in at least 5 perfectly timed sliders and broke up the Stoneds throughout, Chris and Will, as mentioned, had solid debuts. Neil’s distribution was first class in the first half. Ian dictated, Lyndsey ran (in the Vags sense ‘run’ is ALWAYS non derogatory btw), Bill did his stuff when required, Alex bemoaned a lack of service, Graham made a couple of really good stops, Matt was excellent with his deceptive pasty Scottish legs (I can get away with this cause mine are Scottish pasty too)…

Matt, Dan and Neil ran the line well, Ged took the subs, Graham has the kit………..

Report by Richard Straughan